Have your autograph, Miss Madden?
Gee, Miss Madden, I think you're just wonderful.
Miss Madden, if I print my address, will you send me a picture?
Miss Madden, can I have your autograph?
Good afternoon. Miss Madden isn't at home,
but I'm her business representative and she doesn't want to buy anything.
You've mistaken me for someone else.
I'm the Bureau of Internal Revenue.
Oh, the income tax, huh?
Well, come in, come in.
Yes, Mr Gensler, I understand. Very soon.
Don't tell me a month's gone by already.
Another short subject before the feature.
You're the 1940 man, aren't you?
No, I'm the 1941 man.
Oh, yes, I remember. The '40 man has a moustache.
He comes on the 1st and 15th. You come on the 7th and 22nd.
Thank you. Another ten weeks and you'll be paid up.
Then you won't be seeing me anymore.
Except in my sleep.
Thank you for the passes to the play.
Miss Madden is a wonderful actress, isn't she?
Oh, yes, she's great.
I'll be running along. I'll see you on the 22nd.
Buddy.
Liza? Is that you? Yes.
Buddy, call a doctor, quick.
Doctor...? An obstetrician.
An obstet... Liza!
A what?
Look.
What...? What's that?
A baby.
That's what I thought.
Hurry, Buddy, call somebody important. Find the best obstetrician in town.
It's a little late for an obstetrician, isn't it?
Get the apartment manager. I want him to come right up.
And call someone who knows about toys.
But I... Well, I...
Never mind, I'll call everybody myself.
Maybe you mean a paediatrician.
I want the manager, please, and hurry.
Isn't she a darling?
This is Miss Madden.
Will you come up to my apartment right away. I need more room now with a baby.
Yes, I said a baby.
What?
Why, that's ridiculous. Is there something in my lease that says I can't have a baby?
But how could I tell you? I didn't know it myself until about 15 minutes ago.
Oh, I don't care about your rules for having babies. That's silly anyway.
Oh, wait a minute. Do you happen to know the best obstetrician in New York?
Obstetrician. A baby doctor.
What was the name again? Doctor McBain?
Doctor Corey T McBain. Thank you.
Hurry, Buddy. Doctor McBain, right away, somewhere on East 60-something Street.
You let Rome burn and all the time this poor little thing might catch something from Ken.
Go sterilize yourself, Ken. All the money you handle and everything.
I didn't know you had a baby, Miss Madden.
You didn't? No.
Isn't she adorable? Yes. Hello.
She has a smile just like yours.
Now, that's sweet of you.
Well, I'll be saying goodbye.
Goodbye.
Who was that nice man?
He came here with a special request from Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
He did? Yes.
When you get back to Washington, remember me to Eleanor.
Yes, Miss Madden.
- Liza, will you please tell us... - Doctor McBain's on the phone.
Have him rush right over. No, no. Give me the phone.
Doctor, this is Elizabeth Madden.
Would you rush right over here and take a look at my baby?
Symptoms?
Doctor, if I could recognise symptoms, I would be a doctor, not an actress.
What age?
About 2.
Oh, doctor, please rush right over here instead of arguing with me this way.
The address is 25 East... 85th Street. 85th Street.
Thank you. Stupid of me.
I thought I was past surprise.
Liza, will you please take your mind off that kid and tell us...
Whose little act of God is this you swiped?
Isn't she wonderful?
Isn't she extravagantly beautiful?
Doesn't she feel nice?
Yes, yes, but whose is it?
Mine.
Now, take it easy.
Stop schmoozing all over that kid and tell us where you got it.
I took her. Ken!
You mean you kidnapped her? Oh, Ken, you've got an obscene mind.
And you're a bad influence.
Buddy, when the manager gets here, tell him to have some workmen remove that bar.
It's no atmosphere for a growing child.
Keep her from growing up for just a few minutes.
I've got to get in shape to save you from the Lindbergh law.
Ken. Well, what is it?
At least you might hide that bottle of G-I-N.
Now, Liza, will you please sit down and let's start talking sense.
No matter how much you may want to, you just can't play foundling home without a licence.
Now, sit down and tell Papa and Mama all about it.
Now, tell us, just where did you kidnap the kid?
Ken, I've asked you not to use that awful word.
I did not kidnap her, I just took her.
I was coming back from the theatre in a cab, up Eighth Avenue.
You know that awful block where all those frightful rooming houses are.
There was a traffic jam with police cars and everything. I got out to see what it was all about.
Naturally.
There was an excitable Italian talking to some policemen.
Some people had abandoned this precious little darling in one of his rooms.
Can you imagine anybody so completely lacking in feeling?
But don't you worry, angel. Mommy's got you now.
There was an excitable Italian talking to some policemen.
And Jo was just crying fit to break your heart.
Jo? That's what I've decided to call her.
Jo for Johanna. It's odd and it's cute.
Johanna Madden.
So I said to the policeman, "Give me that baby. You don't know how to hold her."
And you do? Naturally.
Every woman knows how to hold a baby. Maternal instinct.
It's like sewing on buttons or beating an egg.
Careful, Jo, darling. Mommy's got you.
The minute I took hold of her, she stopped crying and smiled at me.
We are meant for each other.
So I just walked out and brought her home where she belongs.
Let's turn her over right now to the proper authorities. Perhaps you can adopt her later.
And have her in a bleak and dismal institution?
Maybe weeks before I can get her? I should say not.
Ours not to reason why.
Johanna is home. And here she stays.
Miss Liz, is that a baby you got there?
Look, Mary Lou, isn't she an angel?
Angel right from heaven.
Ain't you, chuckle-face? Miss Liz, who this pink cherub belong to?
She's mine, Mary Lou. Isn't it wonderful? All mine.
So that's why you had me take a vacation last year. Didn't even trust old Mary Lou.
You sure a sly one, Miss Liz.
But, Mary Lou, you mustn't think that I...
Oh, no, Mary Lou.
Over there, sir. Oh, thanks.
Excuse me. I gotta go to the stores.
I'm Doctor McBain. I was... Just go right on in, sir.
I want the whole nursery in pale pink and aquamarine. And that door isn't wide enough.
Have it made larger so that we can wheel Johanna's perambulator through if we want to.
And, Buddy, remember about the toys.
But I want you to realise I must have a special dispensation from the owners.
I'm not allowed to rent to families with children.
I don't wish to intrude, but I'm here on an emergency. I'm Doctor McBain.
Hello, doctor.
Buddy, tell the decorator we need a piano.
A musical education is essential to a girl. Yes?
I am Doctor Corey T.McBain. I was called here on a serious emergency.
Oh, yes, yes. Would you come with me? I want to ask you something.
Where is it now? Here.
What do you fill this with?
I don't wish to seem unreasonable,
but was the contents of a feeding bottle the subject of this emergency call?
The call? Oh, no, no. I just said that. You know how doctors are.
Unless they think someone is actually dying, they just dawdle along.
I was called here to examine a 2-year-old child.
Well, yes, yes, here she is, my own precious darling Johanna.
This? This is an infant of about 8 or 9 months.
Yes, there was a slight mistake about the age.
She's so smart that I always think of her as being much older.
Aren't you, my angel?
If you wish, I'll examine the child. Otherwise, I have calls to make.
Of course, I want you to examine her. I want you to do much more.
I want you to give me a full regimen for her: food, exercise and everything. Everything physical.
I'm going to take care of the cultural development myself.
I'm sure there's no one more competent.
Thank you.
Where may I wash my hands? Right over there.
I want you to be at hand any time we need you.
Would it be too much trouble for you to move into this building?
It would be a great deal too much trouble, Miss Madden.
Doctor, do you have any favourites among your tiny patients?
Or do you just fall in love with all of them?
I never have favourites, nor do I fall in love with them as individuals.
Frankly, Miss Madden, I detest children of all ages. I detest infants particularly.
What?
But that can't be.
A man who dislikes children simply can't be a baby specialist.
On the contrary, Miss Madden, that is absolutely the case.
And I didn't use the word "dislike". I said "detest".
Children simply fail to strike a responsive chord in me.
The infant's chest seems perfect.
Please don't say "infant". It sounds so unaffectionate.
As though she had no personality.
Please call her Johanna.
Miss Madden, might I suggest that you choose a different name for Johanna.
She happens to be a male. What?
A boy?
But that can't be.
He, I mean, she... I mean, he was wearing all pink. He just can't be a boy.
Everybody knows girls wear pink and boys wear blue. Don't you know that?
Many years ago medical science discovered a much better way
of segregating boys and girls than by the colour of their clothing.
Albert, Alexander, Abraham?
Arthur?
No, no, pet, that's one of yesterday's toys before the doctor came. You wouldn't like that.
Where have we got the little...?
Oh, here they are. Look!
Bertram, Bernard, Boyd?
What is that roll call you're reading, anyway? A list of your favourite taxi drivers?
No, they're all right here in this book for expectant mothers to help choose a suitable name.
Benjamin, Bailey, Bradford...?
Buster? Bouvert?
Bouvert?
Bouvert. It says Bouvert.
Where? Never even heard of it. What's he supposed to do when you hit the right one?
Whistle through his teeth or get up and do a time step?
C'est I'heure pour le dîner de mon enfant.
Leave him here until it's ready. I'll bring him in.
Oui, madame.
Not bad. I think French governesses are cute.
And Jo... I mean, he loves her.
He seems to have weathered the quick shift in sex all right. You're taking it calmly too.
Of course I'm delighted. A boy is so much less likely to get into trouble than a girl.
A boy will be so nice.
A tall, handsome son to take me out to dinner.
Now, come on, angel. Pay attention.
Try and concentrate, hmm?
Batiste? Listen, Liza,
Batiste will be passing you gum drops through the bars of Sing Sing
if you don't take my advice and let me smuggle...
Let me sneak him into a police station and then run like everything.
Stop being childish.
Go and see some more lawyers. Keep on trying until you find someone with sense.
I've seen all the lawyers in New York.
I'm stymied until Harvard graduates some more. And I know what they'll say too.
Technically... I'm the kidnapper.
And there's nothing to do but turn him over to the proper authorities.
No, I'm going to adopt him.
Liza, for the 961 st time, you can't!
However maternal you may be feeling at this particular moment,
the courthouse records list you as unmarried.
You're single and strapped.
And they don't let people adopt babies unless they're married or have money.
That's silly. I make more money than most people who have babies. I make lots of money.
You make lots of money, yes.
You have lots of money, no. You give it away to that crummy list of pensioners.
All right, then go and get me some more.
Let's find another page.
Carol? No, you didn't like that one. Carter?
The Case for the Bottle Baby, Infant...
Don't you like any of them, darling?
He just sits there.
I remember an audience in Cedar Rapids once that behaved the same way.
Maybe we can make one up. How's that?
Make up a number, then when you get yours, he won't feel slighted.
Now, let's see.
Barry, Carey, Gary...
Call him "Catastrophe".
Oh, no. That's much too long.
Now, let's see. Corey. How's that? I just made it up.
And he likes it.
Corey? Well, isn't there somebody in the building by that name?
You're thinking of what I'm going to commit to keep us out of jail: hari-kari.
He likes it! There's my angel.
Hello, Corey, darling. He loves it.
Miss Elizabeth Madden's apartment.
George! I thought I told you not to call me during my business hours.
Well, what I care about the... What's that you say? What?!
Miss Liz, Miss Liz. The police, Miss Liz.
Mary Lou, don't startle Corey that way. He might stutter.
Mary Lou, don't be ridiculous.
No, but George seen them.
Two policemen, he said, a police lady asking about a baby.
On their way up here? They's in the elevator right now.
Now, let's keep calm, everybody.
Mary Lou, you take the toys, hide them in the icebox.
Buddy, take Corey and hide him in the nursery.
And tell that French dame, Frou-Frou, or whatever her name is, to lock the door.
We have to keep our heads.
Let's start again and get organised. Give the baby to me.
No, leave him to me before you kill him. You distract them until I get back.
Give them some drinks, offer them some passes.
Maybe I should just run my fingers through their hair.
Yes? What is it? We'd like to see Miss Madden.
Sorry, but this is the hour Miss Madden rests and has her massage.
It's a strenuous part she has. Have you seen the play? Would you...?
No.
Buddy, is that the photographer the Press Department was sending up?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Good afternoon, Miss Madden. How do you do?
I'm Sergeant Barnes, and Mrs Cummings of the Child Welfare Department.
How do you do? And this is Patrolman Murphy.
How do you do?
Miss Madden, I'd like to ask you a few questions about a baby.
A baby?!
A baby was abandoned in a rooming house on 47th Street.
Murphy was investigating the case when a woman offered to hold the baby for him.
She walked off with the baby.
Why, do you mean she...?
Uh-huh. Vanished. We found the cab driver who drove her and the baby to this building.
But you can't have babies here, it's in the lease.
Murphy and the other witnesses say that this lady was wearing the screwiest hat they'd ever seen.
That's hardly a distinguishing characteristic these days.
So we come here and we ask the bellboys what lady wears the screwiest hats.
And every one of them says Miss Madden.
Well. The bellboys.
What do they know about hats anyway?
So we thought you wouldn't mind if we looked around,
just to see if we could sort of find a baby that perhaps you hadn't noticed.
That's an outrage. Aren't you supposed to have a certificate or a writ or something?
Swing low, sweet chariot
Them gates is locked And closed up good and tight
Swing low, sweet chariot Can't nobody get that little mite
I thought I heard somebody.
Well, sergeant, help yourself.
Buddy, show them through the place.
Oh, well, there really isn't very much to see, captain. We lead such a quiet life here.
This is the living room where we live.
Shall we sit down, Mrs Canning?
This is the library or the smoking room where we...
Smoke, I suppose.
Your work must be fascinating, Mrs Cunning.
Cummings.
Yes, I suppose it is.
Frankly, Mrs Cummings, don't you think it's rather ridiculous suspecting me of kidnapping?
On the contrary, we have many similar cases. It happens every day.
Generally to women whose lives have been so selfish
that they've never experienced the normal feelings of love and self-sacrifice.
It's very interesting, Miss Madden.
When the lipstick's gone, Miss Madden puts buckshot in them
and we hold up filling stations.
You might recognise the headpiece.
Is this all?
Except the chute that whooshes the bodies down to the East River.
That's it!
Say, take it easy there, sonny, a lot of those aren't paid for.
Oh, well, what's that?
One of your hats. Would you mind trying it on?
Well, that old thing. I haven't worn that in years.
I can't think how that got back in the cupboard.
Would you try it on, please?
Try it on... Of course.
Certainly.
Now, I don't think that's so screwy, do you? Oh, you wouldn't know it.
Well?
It don't look much like it.
OK, come on. I'm sorry to upset your house like this,
but you understand, we've got a job to do.
Oh, I understand perfectly. It was rather interesting.
Tip us off next time. We'll put some beer on ice.
Sorry. I was going to knock. I didn't know you had company, Miss Madden.
Well, come right in. They were just leaving.
Although, they're not exactly company. Do come in.
No, thanks. I wanted to tell you the owners decided it can be arranged
for you to take the apartment next door as a nursery for your baby.
No. Pardon me.
Well, try and get us connecting cells with a bath between.
She's a swell kid but I have to add and subtract for her.
If I give you my word it's all right, would you wait outside while I dress him?
Of course I will, Miss Madden.
But the more you prolong it, the more difficult it'll be.
Don't tell me the longer I keep him the harder the parting's going to be.
I know it, and still I want to keep him every extra minute, every second I can have him.
I don't care how painful it makes it.
And I don't care if you're an expert at your profession.
You'd know that if you had any children of your own.
I was thinking that the time I get uptown, it'll be nearly 7:00.
I live in Brooklyn, it's a long trip. I was wondering if the ends of justice wouldn't be just as well served
if I left him here tonight and stop off in the morning and get him.
I'm sorry for what I said, Mrs Cummings.
I'll be glad to get home early.
My little brood can't get fed till I get there.
I have five of my own, Miss Madden.
Good night.
Leeches, leeches, leeches.
Billy Black, acrobat hospital bill, 75.
Quartermine's doorman, back alimony for second wife, 75.
Faye Brown, ventriloquist, new head repairs on dummy, 25.
I thought I heard you...
Liza! What are you doing at home in that finale costume?
We can't afford to replace it.
I wanted to get home to Corey.
Here's that pension list you asked for. And I've some drastic cuts to suggest.
Now, look. We can cut Uncle Charles to 50.
Great Uncle Charles? Oh, no, no. I couldn't.
What does he do but run down Miami Beach pinching girls?
That shouldn't be so expensive.
Probably costs him a lot to keep in condition...
To keep in condition just for the running part.
We've got to concentrate.
I can't adopt Corey unless I'm... Solvent.
So you both have to make me that way.
We can't make you solvent if you keep on sending money to these leeches.
Now, look, there's Stevenson.
He's had the same bad idea for the same bad play every day for the last five years.
But he has talent and one day he might write a great play. The money keeps him going.
Yes, from bar to bar. Look, children, this is a commendable burst of economy,
but it should've started seven years ago, along with Tobacco Road and Hellzapoppin'.
I don't see why I'm not solvent.
Because you have more debts than a college sophomore.
Because of all the money to these leeches.
Being solvent means hard cash money in the bank,
not a swell apartment with a lot of expensive furniture.
And the law says you either have to be solvent or married.
I just have to get married.
Marry somebody with money and kill two birds with one ceremony.
Yes, that's what I'll do. I'll get married.
May I ask who the prospective and unsuspecting bridegroom is?
Your leading man? Oh, no, no.
He wouldn't believe it was strictly a marriage of convenience.
Oh, I see, it's to be all business, this marriage?
Certainly.
Ken...
Oh, no, now, Liza, please. Please. Not me.
Why not? You're handy and I can manage you.
I know. But look, look...
Liza, I'll do anything for you. I'll sign notes for you.
I'll defraud managers for you.
I'll even steal babies.
I'll do anything, but I will not marry you.
If you want to keep that gurgling item you picked up, I'll even help you do that.
I'll do anything in the world for you, but I will not marry you.
Look what you've done. You've awakened him.
Get out of here. You're no help anyway. Go.
Well, I'll see you in the morning.
Buddy.
Don't you think his face is flushed?
Get Nanette.
Nanette? Nanette?
Nanette, do you think a pin is sticking him or something?
Or maybe he's hungry. Did you give him his 10:00 bottle?
He's got purple things all over the stomach.
Get the doctor. The one who hates babies?
Never mind what he hates, get him.
I had a job with a party in Flushing.
They had it all over the stomach too. Typhoid.
No.
No, it's all right.
Buddy!
It isn't typhoid.
You're sure?
Definitely.
Oh, doctor...
But we didn't give him any strawberries. It couldn't be that kind of a rash.
What is it?
Do you know what material these are made of?
Crêpe de Chine, of course.
You didn't consider that proletarian substance known as cotton?
I wanted to give him the best.
Silk is an excellent abrasive when moist, second only to sandpaper.
And a baby's skin is extremely tender.
Oh, Corey, darling, it's all my fault.
That's Corey?
Nice name, isn't it? I made it up.
You made it up?
I suggest you get Corey some ordinary cotton garments.
I'll leave a prescription.
You should have had more sense to know that, that silk is an... An...
An abrasive.
You should have known that. Or don't French babies have...?
What happened to your accent?
I got all excited. I forgot.
Miss Madden, you can't imagine how hard it is to get a good job with a responsible party
when you live uptown in the Bronx.
And with a name like Myrtle Glosserman.
You won't fire me, will you?
I been here two days and you liked what I done. Please don't fire me.
You have to go tomorrow anyway, you know that.
I won't need you without the baby.
Where are you sending him?
I'm not sending him anywhere.
They're going to take him, the baby welfare.
Take him and put him in some home just because of some stupid technicality.
Oh, stop gargling like that!
Now, listen here, Gluschkinbecker, or whatever your real name is,
nobody's mad at you because you were born in the Bronx.
I used to tell reporters I was born backstage in the opera house in Prague.
Well, I was born in Frankford, Pennsylvania,
in the shop where my father made harmonicas and painted cupids on them.
Let's get out of here before she comes to the part where her uncle in Schleswig-Holstein
sent her a cuckoo clock.
It played Franck's "Symphony in D Minor".
Now I suppose we'll have that Bronx soubrette on the pension list for the next 50 years.
She struck a responsive chord.
Miss Madden seems to have quite a few such chords.
Are you English?
No, Nebraska, why?
You keep understating everything.
What is this about the welfare taking the baby in the morning?
Well, that's not her baby.
I suspected that when she called Corey "Johanna". Whose baby is it?
Well, she kidnapped it. Kidnapped it?
Well, practically.
She found it, she wants to keep it, and they won't let her, that's all.
Well, I don't see what's so criminal about that.
Lots of women want babies and get them too.
But they usually go about it in a less spectacular fashion.
She never does anything the simple way.
She's just something out of the blue.
She's practically all heart. Look. Just take a look at that.
That baby's the only thing she's ever really wanted for herself.
Well, that's hardly a medical problem, is it?
This is just a bland ointment to clear up the baby's rash.
Can I get you a drink? Maybe we could both use one.
Three mastoids today plus this emergency left me a little ragged around the edges.
Well, then we'll put on a new edge. Oh!
Well, that's funny. It was here yesterday.
What was here yesterday? The bar! Oh, I remember.
Miss Madden had it taken out, said it was a bad influence for Corey.
A bad influence for... Well, that's wonderful.
Shh! He's asleep. What does he think is so funny?
You. Sorry. I wasn't laughing at you.
I was laughing at your genuine but misguided devotion for that baby.
Taking out the bar, and...
You think I'm crazy, huh? No, not now.
I was gonna suggest that you visit a psychiatrist.
A doctor for mental disorders.
Miss Madden, even sane people sometimes visit psychiatrists.
Where's that prescription? It's probably no good.
I'll go with you. No. That's not necessary.
She'll never find a drugstore open this time of night.
Then she'll build one and open it.
You might've held the elevator for me.
This is ridiculous. Drugstores have no business closing this time of night.
Look, the baby'll be all right till morning.
And I'm sorry if I offended you.
You made fun of me.
But supposing he was seriously ill.
What would you do then?
I didn't make fun of you.
If he'd been seriously ill, I'd have taken care of him.
Of course you made fun of me. All that nonsense you told me about going to a...
A psychiatrist.
I went to one once. What for?
I wanted something too once. Something I couldn't have.
A baby? No, not a baby. Rabbits.
365,422 rabbits. What on earth for?
I wanted to prove or disprove a theory of mine about pneumonia. I had an idea for a cure.
But in order to do it, I'd have to study the bloodstream of 17 generations of rabbits.
And 17 generations of rabbits is 365,422 rabbits.
No wonder you hear so many jokes about them.
Sometimes I dream about rabbits, count them instead of sheep.
But you never do anything about them?
You'd start tonight and have 17 generations of rabbits by morning under forced draft.
I don't see what's so complicated.
All you'd need to start with would be two rabbits.
Come again?
Couple of donuts and a glass of milk. Miss Madden?
On two.
Surely two rabbits wouldn't be so hard to get or very expensive.
No. No, but it seems that every time I got started,
a personal disaster came along and I had to go back to babies.
There's no money in research, and people kept telling me
I was crazy to wanna give up a successful practice for something there was no money in.
Finally, I sort of believed it myself. That's why I went to a psychiatrist.
Did he think you were crazy? No.
Neither do I.
Uh, excuse me, mister.
Excuse me.
Let's go over here.
Doctor McBain...
Doctor McBain, will you marry me? What?!
I asked you if you would marry me. This is so sudden...
It's nothing unethical. You don't even have to speak to me in the elevator.
It'll be practical and get us both what we want.
I want my baby. And the welfare couldn't refuse if I'm married to a baby doctor.
You want all these thousands of rabbits, don't you?
Yes, but...
I've already taken the next apartment. Fill it up with rabbits. The part I don't need for the nursery.
I couldn't... Yes, you could.
Just think of me as an angel. I mean, an angel backing your rabbit show.
We don't know anything about each other.
Oh, nonsense. Everybody knows me.
And you were recommended by the apartment manager.
Besides, you like rabbits. Nobody who likes rabbits could be very vicious.
I'm not. Look, you don't marry people the same day you examine their babies.
But you met me yesterday. Heavens, don't be so conventional!
Don't you ever do things on impulse?
Yes, yes, I do. That's the trouble. I did once and I got all tangled up.
If you marry me, everything becomes so simple and logical.
Miss Madden, marriage is never simple and seldom logical.
It'll improve your standing when you start practising again.
I always have more confidence in a doctor with a picture of his baby on his desk.
I was married in my last play, I know just how to do it.
Morning would be the best because then we could have the baby adopted
and you wouldn't waste any time getting started on your rabbits. Let's make it Saturday, hmm?
Hello. This is Doctor McBain, my fiancé.
Look... Give me your card?
I know you want the baby and I want the rabbits, but...
Call this number Saturday morning at 7:30 so he won't forget to marry me.
Oh, Saturday I have a matinee! Make it Monday. Monday, 7:30.
Now, look, Miss Madden, I...
I...
Could you make it 8?
Shouldn't we say something?
Well, here's to the bride and the groom, and to those lost souls who clear up wedding breakfasts.
Miss Buddy, what they make this stuff out of?
Grapes. Grapes?
Ain't very purple, is it?
Thanks, Miss Madden. This'll put the war back on page 10!
You're perfectly welcome, boys.
I thought reporters wore their hats on the back of their heads.
That's just in the movies.
Why, Corey! Don't worry, it's indelible.
Do you think I've forgotten how you hate my lipstick? I can just hear him now.
"How do you get lipstick all over my good shirts, all over my good ties,
all over my good pyjamas, all over the pillow cases? You even get it in my ears!"
Mrs McBain, uh, Mrs McBain.
Oh, Corey, you're still a social dud!
"Mrs McBain, meet Mrs McBain." Why, that's silly! I'm Mrs McBain. What's your name?
It's a surprise to me, but I guess I'm Mrs McBain Number Two.
Oh, Corey! Why, as far as I know, I'm Number One.
We're in the dark, Bluebeard. What number am I?
Er, two.
I must be the last. We were just married this morning. There'd hardly be time for a third.
Why, congratulations! Incidentally, he has a mania for rabbits.
Imagine.
If he ever starts talking about rabbits, you run like mad!
Gee, that's a cute baby. Whose is it?
Ours.
Uh, that was...
One of the small personal disasters that interrupted your work?
Shame on you for forgetting!
Ain't nobody coming fresh into this house without first she's toted over the doorstep!
Oh, Mary Lou, don't be so sentimental.
Yes, ma'am. But it's bad luck just to walk in.
Do you mind? No, it's a nice tradition.
Take him, but be careful.
I better have the coats and hats, then. OK. There you go.
That's better.
Now that charming ceremony's over, you'd better look at the nursery
before that decorator puts in a scenic railway.
Come on, my pet, I'll show you your nice little room.
Oh, you better come too and see what you've gotten yourself in for.
You're back home, angel, you're back home.
You should've found out what kind of an imagination this gal had before you told her to let it run wild.
The admission is two bits.
It's wonderful.
It's so gay.
You don't think you're spoiling Corey, do you?
All it needs is a guy selling cotton candy.
Hello. How do you do?
Isn't it heavenly, Corey, darling?
Well, it...
Looks as if somebody's gonna be called "Junior" around here.
I wouldn't be surprised if you're it.
Would you like to see the rest of your apartment?
Yeah, thanks.
This is where you hang your hat.
Well!
This came just after you left. You better open it. I think it's spoiled.
I didn't order this.
You're not supposed to order anything. You just tell me what you want, tables, microscopes...
Let's not get off to a false start. I'll buy my own equipment. Send me the bills for this...
Somebody ought to tell me.
I thought Miss Madden was setting you up in rabbits in return for making an honest mother of her.
Yeah, I know. I'm sort of a scientific gigolo.
For six years, I've had a good practice.
I've been miserable, but I've had a good practice. I'm not broke.
Now I have no practice, but... I don't think I'm gonna be miserable anymore.
Remember when you accused me of understating everything?
Well, I didn't marry Miss Madden for free rent. She, uh, did something to me.
And, uh, she's rather attractive.
I hope you know what you're doing, Rabbit Man.
Chopin?
Yeah. His concerto in one too many sharps.
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were home yet.
Oh, don't stop. Chopin is perfect for 4 in the morning.
Four o'clock? Gosh, I didn't think it was that late.
I got to working, I guess. Mary Lou always leaves something for me in the kitchen.
That's good.
Would you care for something?
Want a sandwich or some milk? Brain food.
You should be in bed. Possibly. But I'm not.
I can't sleep. Stop being a doctor, it's after hours.
Play for me? All right.
Piano-playing was my mother's idea. She wanted me to be a Paderewski.
But I disappointed her. I leaned toward rabbits.
You look like a rabbit yourself with all that fuzz.
Can you wiggle your nose?
You work too hard.
I always thought acting was easy, like mattress-testing, till I met you. You're the first actress I've known.
Didn't you chase chorus girls in your college days?
I was a student by day and a busboy at night.
That didn't leave time for chasing girls.
You work pretty hard yourself.
You may yet be known to history because you were married to the famous Doctor McBain.
For a short time.
I'm halfway through my experiment and it's still holding up.
It is working out, isn't it? I told you it would.
Yeah. You, uh, better get some sleep.
I know.
I'll probably look like a waterfront hag tomorrow.
It'd take more than staying up all night to do that.
Do what?
Make you look like a hag.
I've been married three months and finally my husband pays me a compliment.
Close your eyes and concentrate on something green.
What, for instance?
That green dress you wore Friday night.
All right.
When did you see me Friday night? At the Stork. I dropped in for a drink.
Why didn't you come over to my table?
You were busy. Didn't look quite the place for a husband in name only.
Don't be silly. That was my leading man.
It doesn't mean anything. We just work together, that's all.
Well...
My, the sunshine in the park is sure making him shoot up.
Yes, isn't it?
Ken, the funniest thing happened...
Liza, you're going to have to face this.
Remember that Mrs Cummings said if Corey's real parents showed up within a year, you'd...?
I'm K. K. Miller, attorney. This is Mr and Mrs Joseph P. Quig, parents of the baby.
They couldn't be.
Oh, yes, ma'am. He's our baby. And thanks for keeping him so swell and everything.
That's a grand name you gave him, Corey.
I like it better than Joe. That's his real name, after his father.
I think I'm gonna call him that.
Sounds swell. Corey Quig!
Ken, what is this? A practical joke?
No, Liza. There's evidence.
Absolutely conclusive evidence.
I don't care what evidence you have. I found him, he's mine.
You can't take him.
They have a court order. I have one too!
Your order's been superseded. All that remains now is for the Quigs to identify the baby.
He's ours all right. I'd know my precious anywheres.
I don't believe it. But even if it is true, he was abandoned.
They have no right to him now. Do something, Ken!
I've done everything that's possible.
Miss Madden, your manager's made a proposal to which the Quigs reacted to with repugnance.
But after taking into consideration the many advantages the child will have with you...
Yeah, I says to him, "She can give our Joey everything we can't.
"Even a college education." It busts both our hearts.
I'm so glad you realise that. I assure you...
The question is, the Quigs would have to expect some compensation for this supreme sacrifice. Some payment.
They want $25,000. Well, give it to them!
Liza, you haven't got $25,000.
Well, get it. Call somebody. Call everyone I know.
I have. They've all suffered big business losses within the past hour.
All right, then sell everything. Sell everything I have. Sell my... Wait a minute. Don't go away.
Please don't go away. Don't worry, they won't.
Where's she going?
Doctor! Doctor!
We gotta get us $25,000 right away!
$25,000? Yes, sir!
There's snakes in the parlour saying they's Butch's folks and they'll carry him off unless we give them $25,000!
What is this that Mary Lou tells me? They claim to be Butch's parents.
What proof have they got? I don't know. I can buy them off.
Wait before you start this rummage sale.
If they're his parents, we've no legal right to him.
It looks phoney that they'd be willing to sell him. There should be a way of finding out.
Yes, but what and how?
I don't know.
You know that tray of instruments I use for the rabbits?
Get it, will you? What will you do?
I may have to operate. This is one time in my life I hope the patient dies on the table.
Mr...? Miller.
My husband, Doctor McBain. Mr Miller.
We needn't have disturbed you. We were just discussing our problem.
I've advised Mrs McBain to return the child if there's no doubt about the parentage.
Definitely established, definitely.
- And this would be Mrs...? - Quig.
How do you do? How do you do?
I'd know you were the mother. Same lovely features.
Oh, thank you, doctor.
I can see where the baby got his eyes. Almost the same colour. Although his are a little more...
What colour are his eyes?
I said, what colour would you say the baby's eyes were?
Uh, er, sort of...
Sort of a blue-green?
Yeah, that's it. Sort of blue-green mostly.
That's not true. The baby's eyes are brown.
Right. What is this?
A jury wouldn't have sympathy for a mother who couldn't remember the colour of her baby's eyes.
The eyes change all the time!
Ridiculous. They've always been brown.
I knew they was brown. He got me all mixed up.
Is this what you wanted? Thanks.
What's that? A syringe for taking blood specimens.
Look... You don't mind, do you?
It's just for our own satisfaction. We'd like to be absolutely sure.
I see. I'm afraid that blood tests aren't admissible in court to prove parentage.
True. But they can disprove it. Mrs Quig, would you sit here, please?
Just roll up your right sleeve. Darling, get me some alcohol and cotton.
I typed a sample of the baby's blood a short time ago.
Now, by typing Mr and Mrs Quig's blood we can verify whether...
He's not gonna poke that into me! I've got a court order here!
It's very simple. It doesn't hurt very much.
Just clench your fist. That's right.
No! Get that thing away from me!
I ain't gonna! There was nothing like this in our agreement! All we were supposed...
An agreement, Mr Miller? The court's upholding me in this!
Maybe the court would like to know about your agreement. And that she refused a blood test.
Possibly because she's not sure Mr Quig's the father.
Hey, what kind of a crack is that? He's damaging my reputation!
What as, an extortionist?
I got a good mind to sock you. I got a good mind to sock you too! You got us into this!
I came here in good faith, for these people. I agreed to assist in a just cause.
Now I find they're lying. I withdraw from the matter!
No, you don't! You arranged it all.
You found out we had a kid and used to live in that house!
He's lying! I'm willing to go to court to prove it!
Sock him, Joe!
Attaboy!
Hey, you leave my Joe alone! What do you mean, giving me that stuff? Cut it out!
Better stay out of the way of any flying furniture.
That's for luck.
Not fair! That's not fair!
Mr Ken! Up on Lenox Avenue they sort of:
That's right, Mr Ken! Just like that!
It reminds me of my old burlesque days!
I'll get even with you, if it's the last thing I ever...
Kicking a lady, eh?
Hurt your foot? She's not as soft as she looks.
- Who was that lady I passed in midair? - That was no lady.
Strange.
Oh, did I miss something?
No, no, no, no.
I was supposed to hold him no matter what happened.
It's all right, Myrtle.
How d'you like that, Butch? Not bad for a couple of amateurs.
Thank you.
Hey, Butch, I think this calls for a celebration, don't you? You do?
Would you mind asking your mother if anybody's picking her up tonight for supper?
Say, "No, nobody important."
Would you ask her if 11.15 would be all right?
I never had a date with an actress before.
Tell him to make it 11.30. And tell him he might also shave.
Oh... OK, Butch.
Now, the finale's just going on. You stand right over there and you can see it.
Strange thing You linger in this heart of mine
Strange thing You're something that I can't define
What is this lilting song My heart would sing
Is it a passing thing
Is it a touch of spring
But only love will tell
Strange thing, I know you You're my heart's desire
Love's lonely longing Of a heart afire
Read, then, my future In the stars above
The stars up above
Read and foretell
All shall be well All shall be well
And I find love
All shall be well today Well today
And this eternal
OK, strike it!
Oh, Miss Madden? Miss Madden!
That was wonderful.
You better call me Liza in public. Theatre people are very informal.
Come on, I'm a quick-change artist. I'll only be a minute.
Come in.
Darling! Oh, Victor.
See that stricken expression on my face tonight?
I certainly did. You nearly broke me up.
I almost broke myself up.
This is Doctor McBain, my husband. This is Victor, our leading man.
Your leading man, darling. How do you do?
Er, how do you do? You were the one in the tights, weren't you?
Where shall it be tonight, darling? Know what I feel like? One of Ruben's sandwiches.
I'm sorry, dear. I can't tonight. You don't mind, do you?
Of course, I do. Why?
I'm sorry, I didn't know you were planning...
Don't be ridiculous. Vicky can take me out any night.
Of course. It's not every night you get a husband hopped up to make the rounds.
Have a swell time.
Try the Gardenia Room, at the Island Club.
Soft lights and superb for holding hands.
Night.
Well, a bottle of champagne. A big bottle, the best.
What vintage, sir? Oh, uh...
You pick it out. Just so it's very good.
Very good, sir. And, uh, big.
Big? Oh, yes, yes, sir.
We're celebrating. Why?
Being out with you for the first time.
And I sent my first report to the Guggenheim Foundation a couple of weeks ago.
And? I got this letter from them.
That's wonderful.
$5,000.
I paid Buddy everything it's cost you so far. And the rent for the year.
That means we're on our own, the rabbits and I.
I don't like Victor. You in love with him?
Oh, no, of course not.
He kissed you. Of course.
He kisses everybody. He's an actor.
I guess I'm in the wrong profession.
I don't think so.
You know, this is fun.
Why don't we do this more often? Yeah, why don't we?
A Pol Roger '29. The biggest we have, sir.
Oh, that's big enough.
Well, this is it.
Are you sure? Sure I'm sure. Isn't it?
Uh-huh.
All good things must come to an end sometime. As somebody must've said before me.
Doctor McBain, you need some milk. Oh!
I don't like milk.
You don't like milk? No.
Could you describe it for me. I what?
Oh, you prescribed it for me. Oh, I did?
Well, I've never been wrong.
Milk it is.
Unless there's some beer. Let's go and look, huh?
Oh, your hat fell off.
No beer. No beer?
No beer. All right. Milk.
But I don't like it.
This was a most entertaining evening, Doctor McBain.
I found out so many things about you. You did?
Things I never would have suspected.
A, you know how to laugh.
B, you're a wonderful dancer. Thank you.
You don't hum the music off-key in your partner's ear,
you don't hike up her dress in the back.
If I'm that good, get rid of that Victor and hire me. I could do all that stuff.
You can't sing.
Strange things... Strange thing. One thing.
Oh, one thing?
Strange thing
Stars above
Read and foretell
Isn't that the wrong key? That's pretty high. Maybe if I did it in full voice.
Read and foretell
What's the matter?
I think I heard the baby.
One of Doctor McBain's sternest instructions to mothers is never disturb the baby at night.
Did I? Did I what?
Did I disturb the baby at night?
I don't know.
Foretell
Let's look. Let's look.
Come, come.
Foretell
Read and fore...
Liza...
This sounds like one of those things people say without meaning it, but I had a swell time.
Thanks for a grand evening.
I had a wonderful time too.
Shh!
Well, goodnight.
Goodnight.
Liza? Yes?
I've been thinking about something else.
It's really none of my business, but you know Victor?
Yes.
In the last act where he kisses you, do you really kiss him or just sort of...?
Oh, we just fake it. Oh, you do, huh?
I'm glad to hear that.
You know, when a fella takes a girl out, and particularly when he buys her champagne,
he's supposed to be allowed to kiss her goodnight.
It's an old custom, it's practically mandatory.
Are you sure it's a custom? Yeah, I'm sure.
All right.
Goodnight.
You better let Victor keep his job.
Morning, Mary Lou. Morning, Miss Liz.
Don't be cross on such a lovely morning, Mary Lou.
What you doing up at such an hour? Getting the doctor's breakfast myself.
You got a happy look on your face.
Mary Lou, get me a frying pan. Stop being so inquisitive.
Doctor McBain.
Who is it? Frances.
Oh, Frances. Shut the window, will you?
Frances?! What are you doing here?
Why, I live in the building, chump.
Imagine my surprise when I discovered that my ex-husband has been awarded $5,000.
So I came to congratulate you.
You could've dressed for it.
You didn't want me to put on a cap and gown just because your rabbits won a fellowship.
Go away!
Corey, why don't you get a photographer who doesn't make you look like an unhealthy potato?
What's the matter with it? You always used to like that picture.
Frances, go away! You can't have any money.
Darling, I didn't say anything about money.
You don't have to. You look money! Your every move is venal.
$5,000 is a lot of lettuce. They couldn't eat that much, could they?
Frances, look. I'm married. Very happily married.
If you want to congratulate me, send me a telegram.
I just came to tell you I've been invited down to South America.
Good!
And $500 would help, if you'd give it to me.
I wouldn't give you an old rusty razorblade to let down a hem with!
Oh, Corey, you're still bad-tempered.
Why don't you go and chat around somebody else's bed? I'm gonna take a shower.
So you won't give me the $500, huh?
No!
You could ask your wife for it.
No!
Well, could I use your phone? No!
Morning, sergeant.
Isn't it a lovely morning?
Hello, operator? I wanna put in a long-distance call to Buenos Aires. Mm-hm.
Corey?
Uh-oh, here we go.
Gee, Corey, I didn't mean to get you into any...
Where's that key? I don't know. I ain't never seen it.
Hello. What are you doing up so early?
Send a carpenter up. Close the show. Again?
Give me the janitor. How soon can we start the tour in Boston?
We cancelled twice. Somebody with a hammer then!
How soon can we open in Boston? I told you. We've cancelled twice.
And tell him to bring some chicken wire!
Tuesday? Could be. You'll have to close tonight.
All right, close tonight!
Liza? What is it?
The baby has something wrong with his ear...
Well, call a doctor! Buddy, come back here!
If you let that phoney rabbit-breeder stick his nose in here, I'll break all your bones!
Go on, call a doctor! Ken, put up closing orders!
You serious? Yes, I'm serious!
Get the house doctor!
What's our doctor done?
Ken, get tickets for the midnight train tomorrow. Come on, you two!
Don't just stand there like pigs in a mud puddle!
Get out of that mud puddle. Hello, is there a doctor in the house? I mean, I want the house physician.
Liza... Whoa, wait a minute!
I don't know what this is all about, but it's the hottest marriage of convenience I've ever seen.
Let it cool down a little. Liza thinks...
No, she doesn't, not often. She just reacts with her heart, and right now, she's reacting.
Buddy, I gotta... Look, look, look!
Be a good boy scout and go away.
Buddy's been a long time around here, been through everything. Let me handle this.
You're new in this family. Tell her she happened to be in...
I mean, on my bed. I thought she'd gone. I was really taking a shower.
That sounds a little complicated, but I'll try.
Make her understand. Please beat it now! Scram!
Doctor Jones? Come right this way, please.
Yes, I know it's short notice.
As a matter of fact, it isn't any notice at all.
No, I don't know why she suddenly wants to go to Boston.
Maybe she's hungry for beans!
You've got to get it set up there by Tuesday night at 8.30!
If you have to take every piece of scenery by donkey cart and stick it together on-stage with mayonnaise!
I don't care if the Shuberts...
No, not a week from Tuesday. Tuesday. Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday. OK?
Oh! I can't let you go in there. What's the doctor doing?
She's so upset with the baby, sickly and all.
Butch is sick? Yes, sir.
Nothing to worry about. Temperature one minute, gone the next.
What's wrong with Butch? You're the father?
Don't worry about that bouncing boy.
He'll grow up to be president one day.
I'm a Republican.
Doctor McBain has a peculiar sense of humour, Doctor Jones.
Oh, yes. Very funny.
Uh, Doctor McBain, did you say? That's right.
Not Doctor Corey T McBain? Yes. Liza...
I'm very proud to attend the baby of such a well-known colleague.
A slight temperature, restlessness at night, a cold coming on. Wouldn't you say, Doctor?
It wouldn't be ethical for me to give an opinion.
He has a very odd sense of humour.
Nothing to worry about. I've seen thousands of these upsets.
Thank you, doctor. Good day. Good day.
He's seen thousands... Liza, let me take a look at Butch.
If we need you, we'll call you, Doctor Casanova.
Let me look at him! No, get out!
If you want to look at something, go and look at your second-hand wife!
That isn't fair. I'm no criminal. Get out of here! It's not our agreement.
This is my apartment, you live over there!
If you won't let me examine him, let me call a doctor I know is good.
No!
Let that be a lesson to you.
Liza!
Myrtle?
Liza?
Hello, this is Doctor McBain.
Can you tell me where Miss Madden is?
Oh. No, I didn't know that.
What hotel in Boston?
Er, thanks. Give me long distance, please.
No, sir. She ain't. Doctor, I know we shouldn't have come.
And now the baby... He's... He's...
Mary Lou, stop crying, I can't understand what you're saying.
What time?
Had Miss Madden left for the theatre then?
Do you know what's the matter?
Mary Lou, what hospital?
Mary Lou, stop crying and tell me what hospital.
Yes, as soon as I can.
Hello. Hello, get me the airport, please.
I'll take it in the other apartment.
If you drink this, Liza, you'll feel better.
Why does it take so long? Why can't I see him?
They're taking blood tests, Liza.
What for?
What is it, doctor? It's the mastoid, Miss Madden.
It's serious, isn't it?
Not necessarily. But it's a good thing it didn't go any longer.
We've checked the blood count and the x-rays.
The infection is acute. We should operate immediately.
No. No, you can't operate.
Liza, this is a little out of my line, but they know what they're talking about.
It's not a difficult operation these days.
The greater risk is not operating.
No, I won't let you operate. Ken, tell him I won't let them.
Not here. Let's take him to New York. Maybe...
A delay might mean something more serious. You must decide now.
I can't decide. If something happened...
He's so helpless and so little.
If I'd only let...
Buddy.
Doctor, I want to talk to my husband in New York.
Where can I telephone?
Didn't Doctor McBain know the child was running such a high temperature?
I'm sure he'd want us to go ahead, if...
Please keep trying Doctor McBain.
Miss Pierce, Mr Corbett. Thank you.
Doctor McBain, flight 24, runway 16!
Doctor McBain? We're holding the flight for you.
Here, buy yourself a drink. Thanks, pal!
Doctor McBain? Yes.
Take seat number five, please. Thank you.
I'm Doctor McBain. What room...?
McBain. Hello, Golding.
We've been trying to reach you. You're on the third.
Corey!
Oh, Corey! I've been such a fool!
Oh, Corey! They want to operate on Butch. You won't let them, will you?
No, of course not. Not unless you say so.
Let's take a look at this and see what's what.
He doesn't wake up at all. Any eighth?
About an hour ago.
They've given him something to relax him and help him sleep.
You won't let them operate, will you?
Right mastoid swollen and tender. What's the white count?
Rechecked just before you got here.
I administered sulfanilamide, but...
No affirmative result, huh? How extensive is the area?
Large, but still localised. I'll show you the x-ray.
What's the pulse? Very rapid.
Corey, look at me. I don't know what all this means.
Tell me. I can't stand it.
We're not hiding anything from you. I had to know these things in a hurry.
I just thought it was a cold.
That's how it all started.
It's worse than a cold. Butch is very sick. We can help him, but we have to operate.
No. Corey, no.
No...
We've got to.
Nurse, tell Doctor Golding we're ready.
And ask him if he'd like me to assist.
No, Corey, I thought you...
Golding's one of the best in the world. Liza, can't you understand? I couldn't do it.
Butch is my kid. Our kid. I'd be scared to death.
Every second I held the knife, I'd be thinking if...
If something goes wrong, the look in your eyes would stay with me all my life.
Corey, I know you're scared. And I know Golding's a good doctor.
But I couldn't stand the awful minutes while he's in there without you doing it.
You're his father.
If something goes wrong,
don't worry about how I'd look at you.
I'd know that not Golding and nobody in the world could've done more than you did for him.
And I'd love you even then.
Even then?
OK, Momma. OK, Pop.
We're ready, doctor.
Corey.
No change yet.
It's too early to tell.
But it has been so long. I know.
When?
We may be be able to tell more in a few hours.
Liza?
It's after 8. Yes?
It's time to go to the theatre.
I'm not going. I'm not going.
But, Liza, you must.
Why must I?
Do you think I can go down there without knowing?
Darling...
You made me do my job this morning. Now I'm going to make you do yours.
There's nothing you can do here.
I'll take care of Butch. Any change, I'll let you know.
No...
I think it's better if you go. Corey...
Liza, I want you to go, dear.
You'll let me know? Yes. I'll let you know.
Strange thing You linger in this heart of mine
Strange thing You're something that I can't define
What means this lilting song My heart would sing?
Is it a passing thing
Is it a touch of spring
Stay now, everything will be all right.
If only love will tell
Strange thing, I know you You're my heart's desire
Love's lonely longing Of a heart afire
Read, then, my future In the stars abo...
The stars up above
Read and foretell
All shall be...
He's all right.
All shall be well
And I find love
All shall be well today Well today
And this eternal
Oh, Corey!
He's all right, darling. He smiled at me.